The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
