We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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