Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
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