You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
