..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
