So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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