if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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