went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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