I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
