Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize