the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
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I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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