I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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