my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
