I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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