i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
