if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
