im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
