why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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