I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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