I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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