Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
