If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
