Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
