Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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