Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I didn't notice because vodka
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
