Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
