1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
