The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
and you fell through a lawn chair
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
