I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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