drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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