I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
