If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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