How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
