he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
