Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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