Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
