My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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