Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
