I feel great
I just peed on a car
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
