I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
