woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
