Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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