why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
