hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize