If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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