why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Randomize
