mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
