that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
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