i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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