everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
sarcasm needs its own font
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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