Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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