you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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