The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
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