I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Randomize
