I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
