apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
